I’m assuming that you saw our announcement on facebook… After over 2.5 years of praying, we are expecting our Rainbow baby this August 2017!
We have been overwheled with so many thoughts since finding out in early December. There was so much more I needed to say besides simply announcing our pregnancy. So, putting it here seemed to be the best way.
I have never known such a combination of this much joy, guilt, fear and hope.
Joy. Because we have been trying and praying for this baby for over 2.5 years. I had reached the broken place of giving it up. And then in he/she came, just before our 3rd Christmas of wishing for him/her. We had joy when telling our daughter that after years of her praying with us for a baby brother or sister “that gets to stay here with me.”, she finally has a baby on the way. We had joy when telling family. There were tears and hugs and my five year old telling me “I almost cried tears of joy. I am SO happy!” There is a joy in me, in my little family that hasn’t been there in a long, long time.
Guilt. Maverick’s not here… just a month shy of three years since he left us and I will never stop asking myself if I had done just one thing differently that day… would he be here giving me “two hugs, mama. One for you and one for the baby.” Or whispering to my belly “good morning baby… I love you.” Just like his sister has been doing? I feel so unworthy of this gift we have been given. The guilt never leaves… even through immense joy.
Fear. It’s not because I don’t trust God. I do. I trust that He can bring me through the toughest storms the world can offer. He can. He will. He already has. I trust Him fully. But, I still know that sometimes, my plans and God’s plans don’t match up. I know how quickly dreams become nightmares… and I know how beautiful this dream is.
Hope. Through the joy, the guilt and the fear… there is hope. Where there is hope there is faith, and where there is faith… all things are possible. I have faith and hope that my husband and I will hold this baby in August. And hope that we will watch him/her grow and thrive and be used by God here on Earth in mighty ways. Hope that my daughter will know ALL of the experiences of having a brother or sister… here. To hug, play with, fight with, pick on and defend… to grow up with. I have hope for a full, healthy life for my children here. Above all my anxieties and fears I have HOPE rooted in the fact that God works all things for the good of those who love him. (Romans 8:28) My hope is stronger than my fear.
“Yes, my soul, find rest in God; my hope comes from Him. Truly He is my rock and my salvation; H
I have all of these thoughts, feelings and emotions bouncing around in my head taking turns running things. And even in the midst of it all, I know I am carrying the answered prayer of so many. The magnitude of that blessing is not lost on me.
Thank you for your prayers and your support. If you would please keep us in your prayers… we still need them dearly.
Pray for strength.
Pray for peace.
Pray for eased anxieties.
Pray for calmness.
But most of all, pray that God would bless this child, and this family with health and that this baby safely makes it to our arms in August. And that August would just be the beginning of the long beautiful life that is in store for this child.